


Darkness Falls Within

by Wintersoldier16



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Disappearing, Hallucinations, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:53:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22306729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wintersoldier16/pseuds/Wintersoldier16
Summary: Even when he had nothing Steve had Bucky...or so he thought.This is a song fic based on Waking Up Beside You by Stabbing Westward. The song is included with the fic and for the best experience you should listen to the song as you read. Hope you all like it!
Relationships: Captain America/Winter Soldier, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	Darkness Falls Within

Huffing out a breath, Steve looks down at the mattress, an unfamiliar chill running down his spine. The sheets are still crumpled, a sign he hadn’t been alone in bed before he’d left, but the body that’d been there was gone. Left without a trace like a thief in the night, taking with it the last piece of sanity he was clinging to. Once again asking himself what the fuck he had done wrong. Why wasn’t he worth staying for?

I've been alone for so long  
Forgotten by the world forgotten to myself  
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me  
And brushed the dust away  
But I knew you'd never stay 

Steve left the apartment, the memories too fresh and he felt the walls were closing in on him. It’d been a month. He was pretty sure Bucky wasn’t coming back, no word from Sam or Clint, all leads on his whereabouts going cold. If the Winter Soldier didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t, but Steve couldn’t let it go. He ached for his return.

Their last night together played on repeat in his mind as he walked the lonely streets, the midnight hour’s close at hand. He recalls the moans he made as Bucky entered him, making love at a steady pace, Steve chanting Bucky’s name like a prayer. It was intoxicating, all consuming. Neither one of them could get enough of each other, Steve thinking he’d finally have his forever, Bucky by his side and in his bed. In that final night together, he never thought it would all be a memory, fading like so much of his past.

So I memorized the color of your eyes  
As I lost myself inside you  
I memorized the way our legs entwined  
As I drifted off beside you 

Bucky was everywhere Steve looked. A glance through a window saw familiar blue eyes staring back at him. Every male brunette carried his signature smile and cleft chin. Sometimes he thought he could smell him, his scent filling his lungs like a lifeline, giving him oxygen to breathe. There was no escaping his mind, he was falling into an abyss with no hope of rescue, Bucky the only cure for his insanity.

I miss, God I miss  
Waking up beside you

Two months had passed, all traces of Bucky gone. Steve lay in the bed, curled in a ball, his eyes red as the tears fell to the pillow. The bed smelled of must and stale sex, the sheets never changed after Bucky left. 

Steve really should’ve known, could’ve placed a bet on it, really. Bucky was a creature of habit. No amount of passion and love confessions would ever change him. How many times had Bucky left his side? Too many to count, so he really has no one to blame but himself. The Winter Soldier would never let Bucky be happy. He’d just continue to take and take, until there was nothing left of the man Steve was desperately in love with. He’d take until Bucky Barnes was no more.

At night I cling to you I'm so afraid  
Afraid the day will come  
And I'll wake up and find you gone  
But you promise that you'd not abandon me  
And kissed my fears away  
But I woke up to that day

Maybe it was paranoia, the hairs on his neck always standing up, feeling eyes watching his every move. His stomach would sink when he walked through the streets of Brooklyn alone, looking around thinking he’d catch a glimpse of Bucky, but it wasn’t meant to be. No matter how much he tried to reason with himself, his brain wouldn’t shut off and let reality sink in. The love of his life was gone, only God knows when and if, he’d return. 

Hydra could reach out and grab him, hold him captive for all eternity and he’d just let it happen. It was better to feel something, even pain, than nothing at all. Steve was empty without Bucky, there was nothingness inside practically seeping from his pores. The only thing that could light the spark had fallen off the face of the earth leaving Steve dead and dying a little more each day. 

But I had memorized the way our eyes would meet  
Reflected in the bathroom mirror  
And I memorized your naked silhouette  
As you slowly brushed your hair 

Standing at the bathroom sink, he looked in the mirror, not recognizing the man staring back at him.

“You look like shit.” 

Steve nods at the reflection behind him in the mirror, the blue eyes piercing into his soul, seeing all his secrets.

“You’re supposed to be taking better care of yourself.”

Steve shrugs and looks down at the bowl, the running water creeping up, threaten to spill over. 

“Why Steve? Why can’t you just let me go? Move on with your life...be happy?”

Steve closes his eyes, his subconscious fucking with his reality.  
“I was happy with you…,” he whispers.

He feels familiar rough lips kiss his cheek, a single tear escaping his eye and falling down his face.

“The soldier isn’t meant to be happy.”

His eyes open and he turns around, alone in the room just like he’d been, water now flowing from the sink onto the floor. Steve’s knees give out and he crumbles to the ground, sitting on the water-logged floor. He brings his knees to his chest and begins to rock back and forth, crying like he had so many times before, the pain becoming more and more unbearable as time goes on. Nothing he does dulls the pain and he’s resigned himself to knowing this is how he will spend the rest of his life, broken and alone. Captain America brought to ruin by one James Buchanan Barnes.

I miss, God I miss  
Waking up beside you

The Soldier stands in the room, staring down at the bed, watching the blond sleep. A pull in his body wants to reach out and touch the man, his fingers start to gravitate towards him, but he hesitates and pulls back. No! This is not him. Soldat can never have nice things and he knows deep inside this is something nice. Something he wants to covet and keep all to himself. 

The voice deep within him is begging him to stay, “this is our home, our bed...our Steve.” He shakes his head. Steve. My mission. My… 

I've been alone for so long  
I forgot how much it hurts  
To wake up so alone 

Soldat creeps through the apartment, his flesh fingers touching some of the odds and ends the Captain has laid out. It feels familiar, like he belongs here in this place, but it’s not his home. It can’t be. The Soldier doesn’t have a home. He has a base and cold. Soldat only feels cold. So why, looking around this place, does he feel warm? And why is that voice screaming at him, telling him to let the bad go and climb into bed with the mission?

A picture on a shelf draws his attention, the Soldat stopping in his tracks. He stares at it, his steel blue eyes starting to soften. He knows one of them, his mission. His hair is darker than it is now and the clean-shaven man he has encountered has grown a beard, but he knows it’s the Captain. Why else would the picture be here in his apartment if it wasn’t him?

What draws Soldat in is the face of the other man. The man staring back at him in the picture frame shares the same face as him, except with more emotion. The two men look happy. Soldat isn’t meant to be happy, so why is the voice in his head screaming at him? And why is he compelled to listen? Why does he feel like he belongs here? And why wasn’t he paying attention enough to hear the mission walk into the room and stop dead in his tracks?

But I memorized how warm your body felt  
As you lay half asleep beside me  
And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room  
And played upon your body

“Bucky?” Steve’s pinching himself, a silent prayer being said so he won’t wake from his dream.

“Soldat.” He replies and draws his gun, pointing it in his direction.

“Bucky, you know me...please…,” Steve begs and steps forward.

“I…,” 

Steve smiles hoping for a change in Bucky’s demeanor. He watches as the Soldat lowers his gun and drops his shoulders. He moves closer to his love and can see the moment when the recognition and memories come flooding back.

“Steve…,” Bucky drops to his knees.

The Captain hurries over and scoops him up, wrapping his arms around him.

“Bucky.” 

“Stevie...oh, God…”

“Shhh… it’s okay...you’re home.” Steve rocks him back and forth, tears falling from his eyes as he holds the man.

“I couldn’t...I tried…he wouldn’t let me go.” Bucky tries to explain.

“It doesn’t matter now...I’ve got you and I’m never letting you go.” 

“Soldat isn’t meant to be happy…,” Bucky begins to explain, “...but I had to come here, had to try to get him to see...I don’t want to be him anymore, Stevie...I’m so empty without you.”

“My world was dark without you.” Steve pulls them down to the floor, their bodies now laying side by side. “Just promise me you’ll never leave again. Please Bucky? Promise me you’ll fight through whatever life throws our way.

“I promise.” 

The Soldat’s smile is concealed by the grip of Steve’s body around him.

I miss, God I miss  
Waking up beside you


End file.
